


i'm so sorry that you have to have a body

by onegoodhonestkiss



Series: just the two of us - helenie au [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Autistic Martin Blackwood, Body Dysmorphia, Dissociation, Dissociative Martin Blackwood, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Lonely Avatar Martin Blackwood, Masturbation, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Self-Harm, Stranger Avatar Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Trans Martin Blackwood, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Victim Blaming, canon typical suicidal ideation, masturbation as self harm, post 160, this is really heavy stuff please be careful <3, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:21:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26291785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onegoodhonestkiss/pseuds/onegoodhonestkiss
Summary: " it will betray you, be used against you,then it'll fail on you, my dear.but before that, you'll be a doormat,for every vicious narcissist in the world.oh, how they'll screw you, all up and over,then feed you silence for dessert. "or, sad martin angst.
Relationships: Background Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, background Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker
Series: just the two of us - helenie au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926757
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	i'm so sorry that you have to have a body

**Author's Note:**

> DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS FIC IF YOU WRITE NONCON. i wrote this after having a meltdown because i accidentally read p*term*rtin noncon and i do not want you anywhere near me if that's the sort of thing you enjoy. people turned on by the idea of someone being taken advantage of disgust me. take it from a survivor, it's not hot to be told that someone wants to ass/ult you. fuck you. 
> 
> TWS:  
> !!!! THIS IS A VENT FIC !!!! STAY SAFE  
> • detachment from body because of sexual abuse  
> • past sexual abuse (peter lukas)  
> • masturbation as self harm  
> • blaming the victim  
> • just a general tw for the bad feelings when you're in recovery  
> this is some really heavy stuff, please be careful

his own body's repulsive to him, at this point.

it's funny, isn't it- he used to hate his body so much, finding his stature and shape disgusting- his acne unappealing, all of him too big to be anything but inconvenient. he'd go days without looking in the mirror, just so that he didn't have to see the way he looked. 

he stopped caring, at some point. his body was just a body. he'd look in the mirror and he'd see _his_ hands on it, _his_ smile against his lips. is it even martin's body, at this point? it's tainted. no matter how many times martin tries to scrub the feeling of his hands away, they're always there. 

he wonders if people can see it, when they look at him. see how he's unclean, dirty with the remnants of him. are they disgusted by him, he wonders? he would be if he were them, he's sure. too pathetic to even feel pity for, too headstrong to have the blame rest anywhere other than his own shoulders. he knew what he was getting into, did he not? he went into this attempting to self destruct, and he got exactly that- albeit, not how he wanted it. 

is this how tim felt, after the unknowing? his body no longer his own, the only thing he dared to want twisted and distorted until it became his worst nightmare. they say the only way to face your fears is to become them. can tim attest to that? he can't cry anymore, martin knows that. painted eyes don't cry. martin cries, still. does that make him more human, or less? tim still smiles, still cracks jokes with jon when the safehouse gets a little too quiet. they always fall a little false though, as hard as he tries to be himself. voiceboxes can't simulate human laughter.

timothy stoker died in the unknowing. martin blackwood died in the lonely. just... not how they wanted to. they wanted it over! neither of them were built for this. who said they had to be fucking _heroes_? they were cowards; they were foolish. and so, they brought their own downfall.

why did they think they had to go out with- quite literally, in tim's case- a bang? their freedom saving others in it's wake- they tried to be heroes, didn't they? they thought their lives meant something to this world, that their downfall would be in favour of others. everything would have been so much easier if they accepted their spinelessness. had it be a quiet affair, no fanfare needed. over just like that. but no- no, of course not. they never were ones for subtlety, were they?

martin grimaces, tightening his grip on the sheets. they're both asleep next to him- tim, jon, and they'd be so hurt if they knew what he was thinking. it's fine. they don't need to know, he's just going to get through this. 

phantom tears bead at his eyes as he presses a finger into himself, hearing his voice clear as day in his mind. god, he wishes he could have the relief of tears right now- maybe if he cried, it'd wake his boyfriends up. they'd be kind, he knows they would. but deep shame seeps into his skin, making him turn his back to them so he can't feel the weight of the pity he knows they'll feel tomorrow morning. it's painful, unsurprisingly. it's always painful, and he can almost see him if he squints. blunt, sharp, painful, and martin has to fight not to let out a little whimper of hurt at the hurt he's bringing with his own fingers. although, they doesn't feel like his. no part of him feels like it belongs to him, everything that makes him him owned completely and utterly by the man who broke him. 

everything aches, right now. his breaths are coming out harsh and fast and sharp as he presses his fingers- two, now, horrible sickly pleasure lacing with heavy, cloying pain- in and out, his body finally yielding to him and letting tears blur his vision. this is all he's good for, he's startlingly aware of, trying his best to keep his breathing measured and normal. if he can't do this, what can he do? what is he worth if he can't even perform the only thing anyone has ever wanted him for?

closing his eyes, he lets himself fall into memory, the feeling of his hands on him. his voice, telling him how sweet and innocent he was, how it was more enjoyable the more he struggled, watching him play up his act as if he didn't know _damn_ well he wanted this just as much as. _peter_ did. he didn't. he swears he didn't want it, he would've rather died. but the unease pinches, raw pain not unlike the one he's causing himself right now. _was_ it his fault he did this? 

could he have prevented this? if he'd been a little less trusting, a little less sweet- he wouldn't have. done this? maybe? it's funny, he doesn't know _why_ he did this- it sure made him lonely, if that was the goal. christ. it'd be nice if he could just shelve it away like that, wouldn't it? as another experience built up to make him one of the forsaken. but it wasn't, and in his heart of hearts? he knows that.

he _wanted_ him. no matter that martin didn't want him back- was too vulnerable, too lost in a fog of heroic suicide to know, to ask for help, to tell him to stop. or maybe that's just his way of throwing the blame from his shoulders, passing the torch to somebody else. maybe this is all a facade, tricking himself into believing he _didn't_ want this.

the agonising pain-pleasure reaches a sickening crescendo, and he muffles a cry into the hand cupped over his mouth, tears falling freely now. this is a thousand worlds away from how jon and tim make him feel, and a thousand worlds away from how peter did.

he slumps back onto the pillows, breath fast and dry. that didn't help. it never helps, really. it just gives voice to the disgusting, squeamish sickness he feels festering inside of him, and maybe that's enough. his body's dry and sore, and he's exhausted. maybe now he'll sleep okay?

"martin?" 

**Author's Note:**

> might b nice to write a part two to this with tim and jon looking after him,,


End file.
